Saturday, 3 June 2017

The first step is always the hardest...

It's Saturday evening
And I'm chillin out at home
My first week of work is over
And I now have a few days off which is nice
Work went better than expected 
And even though I had my doubts
I think I will get through the summer ok
Getting my first pay cheque helped massively 
Even if I did have to hand it all over to a mechanic
My car is fixed for now 
So hopefully it goes for me for another while 
My Mam goes away on Monday for a week
So I will be here alone with my Dad
He needs a lot of help now 
His hands are all but useless 
Making pretty much everything nigh on impossible 
From buttons to forks to drinking a cup of tea
Patience of a saint is required 
But we manage 

In other news 
I was scrolling through Facebook yesterday 
And in my friends you might know 
I saw a photo of an extremely evacuated girl 
And from doing a bit of snooping 
I discovered she has anorexia 
And also writes a blog
Being a good while in to my recovery 
The feelings I felt looking at this photo were ones of empathy and compassion
I felt no trigger
No desire to be like her 
No immediate plan to lose weight 
I felt sorry for her
Because her body is vocalising what she can't say
My thoughts then turned to myself 
I have no idea what I weigh right now
And have no desire to know
My body shape has changed a lot over the last year 
I've gone from being a petit little girl
To a curvy and shapely woman 
A lot of my clothes don't fit me now
And I'm having to buy new ones
In new sizes too
I caking very easily lose my shit over my weight gain
And a year  ago I could not have handled this at all
But today 
Well today I am ok with my weight
I've decided that I have three options with my weight 
I can change it
I can ignore it
Or I can accept it
I've decided to accept it
As really 
In the grand scheme of things 
What's a few pounds here and there 
The people in my life who love me don't care what I weigh 
And those who do care and judge my weight are not real friends 
I'm pretty sure that this is the highest weight I've ever been
I have boobs galore 
And a booty you could eat your dinner off
And you know what?
I am perfectly ok with that 
I am a firm believer in rocking what you've got 
And at the moment I have curves 
So instead of covering them in tent like clothes 
I am going to dress them to highlight them
Accentuate the positive and all that
Skinny No longer holds any glamour or wonder for me
Skinny is fine 
But so is curvy
It's more than fine 
It's sexy
It's unique 
It's attractive 
And for the first time probably ever in my life 
I feel ok in my skin
Now don't get me wrong 
I have plenty of days when I feel like I want to take a hatchet to my body 
I have days when I despair that none of my beautiful clothes no longer fit me
They are just clothes 
They are replaceable 
It's not a big deal
The great thing about diversity is how individual you can be
I spent quite a while hiding my new body in blankets of fabric
Now I have decided to embrace my curves
To show off rather than camouflage 
And there is one more thing about body image that money can't buy 
And that is confidence 
No matter what you wear 
Or what you look like 
If you have confidence 
If you act like you don't care 
If you rock what you've got and then some 
Then that is extremely attractive 
So yes 
One thing I've learned 
Is that the size of your body has absolutely categorically nothing to do with your happiness
I thought when I reached a certain weight I would be happy 
What a load of old shit
All that happened was that instead of being healthy and miserable 
I was now under weight and miserable 
And here I am now probably double my lowest weight 
And I am still hanging in there 

I went over to see Coco this morning 
With my sister and Honey and Lea
I was a bit worried about seeing Coco 
As the last time I saw him he was pushy to the point of being aggressive 
But today he was in much better form
And back to his gentle cheeky self
Which I was so glad to see
He was delighted to see his bestie Lea
And followed her all around the field like a puppy
Very cute
Relations with Cocos owner are starting to break down though
He is slimy
Smart arsed
I really don't like having to deal with him
So I try and avoid him at all costs
But I know that is going to cause problems in the future 
I just hope I can continue to see Coco 
As that pony is part of my life now 
I'm too attached to walk away now

I feel a bit restless at the moment 
I want to do something 
Like get another piercing or tattoo
Or dye my hair a mad colour 
Pink would be nice 
But I don't think work would appreciate that 
I'm doing my best to save some money this summer 
It's not easy when you are as impulsive as I am
I swear I have my wages spent before I even get them!

I sincerely hope that all of you are doing ok
Do comment and let me know you are there
I'm off to make a cuppa
See you on the next post...

Wednesday, 31 May 2017

Work, worries and a tough time

I bring you this post a very sad Ruby
Sad about nothing 
And everything
Where to start?
I started work last week
I am undecided as to how it is going 
All I know is that I've been fighting back tears recently 
I feel like I could fall apart at any moment 
Crumble to dust and blow away with the wind
Work is a welcome distraction
But I honestly don't know if I'm going to get through the summer without a major meltdown 
My car has been giving me so much trouble 
It's been in and out of the garage 
And no joy
I've thrown money at the problem which hasn't worked
It wouldn't start again today 
And it now sits over in the car hospital 
But I am doubtful she will pull through 
It might be time to cut my losses and change it
It's incredibly frustrating having an unreliable car
As well as that 
I've just been feeling pretty low
Like my life is going no where 
I called over to Coco today 
After not seeing him for a few days 
and I swear he was pissed off at me
He was pushy to the point of being aggressive 
It was like he didn't know me at all
Quite upsetting 
But I am assured by people in the know that he's entitled to be pissed off just like we are 
Also he could have picked up on my negative feelings I guess
But his owner is being a right difficult person to deal with
I really feel like people think that because I am quiet and gentle 
That I am a soft touch
And people can take advantage of me
I really need to learn to assert myself 
As it's no fun being a door mat
And then there is the chance that I will let all this tension build up and lose the head completely 
So I am trying to remain calm and collected 
It's not easy let me tell you 

For the last couple of months 
I've been really struggling with horse riding 
I've been getting really tired and really out of breath 
Which makes it not very enjoyable 
So I told my doctor 
Who did blood tests
The results came back that I had low iron 
Low vitamin B12
And low Folic acid
Anaemia in other words 
So I've been taking supplements and tonics 
Today I went horse riding 
And I was like a different girl 
I trotted and cantered around that arena no bother to me 
I thoroughly enjoyed it 
And didn't want it to end 
She didn't let me jump again today 
As she wants to take things slow 
Which is probably sensible 
But on the way back 
I was in the car with Fintan 
And I couldn't hold back the tears 
Even though I had a great lesson
I just felt overcome with sadness and hopelessness
Like my life was crumbling around me
I spoke to mother who was great as always 
She reminded me that I have come through far worse than this 
She looked me dead in the eye and told me with such conviction that I will be ok
I know I will be
But right now I am feeling low
and I have to acknowledge that
Of course my appetite is being affected by all this stress 
But I am doing my best to stay well in that department 
And God only knows how much I would love a cigarette right about now
He honestly don't know if this job is too much stress for me
I do like it 
But I worry about what people think of me
My co workers 
My manager 
The guests
There is a 16 year old working there too
And she was given a tip yesterday
Right in front of me 
Which really knocked my confidence
I've actually been thinking that I'm too sensitive 
Too delicate and fragile for the real world
I bruise so easily 
And can't help but feel like the class dunce 
My manager asked me how I was getting on so far 
I told her the truth 
She said I had no reason to worry 
That I was a breath of fresh air
That helped 
But only temporarily 
My confidence 
My self esteem
My ego
Has taken a few knocks recently 
And I don't know whether to plough ahead with work and ignore the issue 
Or leave and concentrate on getting well again
I feel tired 
I feel run down and knocked over by life
I just want to get in to bed and stay there forever

As well as all of that 
I don't know if I write about it 
But recently my Dad was diagnosed with Motor Neuron Disease
As you know 
My parents are separated 
And my Dad lives alone about 90 minutes away
He stays with us a good bit 
But his team want him to make a decision as to where he is going to live permanently
So they can adapt the house for him
It looks like he is going to move in here 
Which brings up a lot
My parents didn't separate because they had a happy marriage 
They split up almost twenty years ago
And we all moved here 
We left our home town for a fresh start 
And to put some distance between ourselves and him
Now we are going to be living together again
And let me tell you
It's. it easy 
My Dad is becoming very frail
He lives in his own little world 
Almost like he's regressed to being a child again
So this is a big change
A massive challenge
We are coping by taking each day as it comes
That's all we can do

But yes
I feel very low
And would only love up run in to the arms of anorexia, bulimia, heroin
Or even a cigarette
Something to just get out of my own head
And have a bit of peace
But look
I will be ok
I'm not ok right now 
But I will be
So many things have run through my head this week
I can go from zero to suicidal at top speed 
My life is not hard compared to some people 
But I have come through a lot
and sometimes I feel so tired of life 
So weary 
Like I've lived ten lives already 
But what can I do only keep going 
Keep putting one foot in front of the other
And keep fighting
As my Mam said 
I've weathered bigger storms than this 
I'm made of strong stuff
I will be ok...

Thursday, 18 May 2017


Some how
It is May
Summer is just around the corner
I seem to have blinked and missed spring
Work starts next week
And I am beyond anxious
I am terrified
No exaggeration 
I've been counting down the days 
Willing myself to find the courage to press on
I'm not entirely sure why I'm in such a bad way about it all
I don't remember feeling this way last year
But I was a newbie then
This year I am wondering if more will be expected of me because I was there last summer
And I'm putting huge pressure on myself
So let's break it down 
Why am I so bloody anxious?
There are many reasons 
I've gained weight
What will people think?
What if I fuck up?
What if I can't handle it and I curl up in to a ball right there in the middle of the centre?
What if I lose my confidence and become paralysed with fear?
What if I forget to do something like turn off the gas and I burn the place down?
I swear 
I could go on like this all day long 
Inventing anxiety provoking situations 
The thing is 
I have enjoyed this work 
The people 
The guests 
The buzz of a working kitchen
The banter 
Or the craic as we say here in Ireland
I had come to the point where I thought I wouldn't be able to do this
That I would have to pull out retreat to a dark room to lick my wounds 
But then today 
I got a phone call
It was Mary 
She had some great news about more people being trained to work in the ED services in this area
She also won an award for the fantastic work she does
I told Mary about my impending job and the overwhelming anxiety and fear
She was her usual calm self 
Reminded me that I am more than capable 
To take deep breathes 
To be kind to myself 
After a short conversation
I felt a whole lot better 
Suddenly I had an injection of self belief straight innto my jugular 
Suddenly work didn't seem so scary 
Because in all reality 
It's only for three months 
It's not rocket science 
It's hard work 
But it's not complicated 
I feel able to do it 
I want to do it
I can do it 
I will do it 

In other news 
I was horse riding yesterday 
My trainer has taken it easy on me the last couple of weeks 
After the fall off Coco 
No jumping which was disappointing 
But I know I will get back there 
I am always in such a rush to get everywhere 
Always ten steps ahead of myself 
I do not possess the virtue of patience
Not at all 
Coco is doing great 
He is thriving in the good weather 
And fresh grass
It's now been four month since I started visiting him
He is coming on so well
Back in January 
He was a scared and lonely pony
Now he is confident and cheeky 
And full of fun
He has found a friend in Lea 
He lives her so much and follows her everywhere bless him
Now Coco wears his head collar with pride 
Walks with a lead rope 
And picks up his feet
Which is great as the farrier is coming saturday to do his hooves
I am trying to post photos 
But the app won't let me for some reason
Honey and Lea are good 
Lea is going a bit deaf which is sad 
But she is a happy wee thing
Honey now calls over to my neighbour looking for food 
Which is so funny as she walks around lily she owns the place

Just a short post for a quick update 
See you on the flip side...

Thursday, 11 May 2017

Falling in every sense of the word

I'm making a concerted effort to blog more
So here I am 
There is so much going on at the moment 
Coco and trying to care for him
I start work in two weeks which I'm very anxious about 
My Dads health isn't great 
He was recently diagnosed with Motor Neuron Disease 
And he spends a lot of time staying with us
As you may know my parents are separated
So that makes for interesting dynamics
As well as all that 
I did something really stupid on Monday 
I was over in the field with Coco and his owner 
We had just brought Coco for a walk down the lane 
And were back in the field 
Cocos owner suggested that I get up on his back 
And Miss Easily Led over here decided that was a good idea
He gave me a leg up 
And I was on his back
He was ok for a few seconds 
Then he seemed to spook and bucked and I came off
I landed on my right side and hopped my head off the ground 
I waited to feel pain
But all I could feel was utter shock 
I knelt on the ground with my head on my knees hoping I had done no damage 
But I was ok
The only thing that was hurt was my pride 
So as you can imagine 
I am feeling rather stupid 
I woke up the next morning with pain all down my right side
But it's easing and no permanent damage was done 
I went riding yesterday 
And told my trainer what had happened 
She was pretty gobsmacked that I could be so stupid 
She is also encouraging me to step back from the whole Coco situation 
It's tough because I have built up a relationship with the pony 
And he's become part of my day 
Part of my life 
Part of my little animal family 
So to walk away would break my heart 
It really would 
But my being thrown off was solely my fault 
And his owners fault
After the fall
I had to get on the back of a motor bike 
To be brought back to my car
And then drove the half hour home 
Which now that I think about it was pretty stupid
I could have had concussion or worse
Could have blacked out
I've had different reactions from everyone I've told 
Some are shocked 
Some think it's all part of looking after a pony 
Some think I should back off
The thing is though 
That Coco has come on so much recently 
He's a different pony to the one I met back in January 
I just need to slow down a bit 
As you may know 
I am a person of extremes 
All or nothing 
I go from zero to 100 in jig time 
So maybe I just need to put the brakes on 
And pace myself a bit 

In other news 
My anxiety at the moment is really effecting my food and my appetite 
Which is bad as with all the activity I'm doing I need energy 
It's just very hard to eat when your stomach is in knots 
And your head is a mess of negative thoughts 
I'm hoping that once I start work 
The anxiety will ease 
And things will level out 
I don't know about you 
But I find social media quite anxiety provoking too
I use FB and a particular FB group
And every time I post 
I am worrying what people think
What will they say?
I mostly get positive feedback 
But there is always one person who can be on the nasty side 
But I guess that's what you get when you put your life out there for others to see and judge
You have to take the rough with the smooth

I hope y'all are doing ok
I hope your week is going better than mine..

Friday, 5 May 2017


Hello friends
I don't know how many of you still check my blog
God knows I haven't been the best blogger
This blog celebrates five years on the last day of April
And it was a chance to reflect on everything that has happened during those years 
In some ways it seems like one hundred years 
In other ways it feels like five minutes
As you know well
Eating Disorders and addictions are all encompassing 
You eat, sleep and breathe it
You think about it 
Talk about it 
Write about it 
It's like having a full time job with no days off
My own ED is in quite a good place 
I don't restrict 
And although I haven't eradicated the purging completely 
It's a lot better than it was
It's the exception rather than he rule
But because an ED or addiction takes up so much time abd energy
When you begin to let it go
There is a huge void left 
And it has to be filled with something healthy and positive if you want any chance of staying well
For myself 
I tried many things to fill the void
But the only thing that really works for me 
Is being with and working with animals 
Namely my dogs  
Horse riding 
And equine assisted therapy
I visit Coco every morning with my dogs 
And I have developed such a lovely bond with him
Two weeks ago
I got a head collar on him for the first time 
Which was a huge milestone 
And an indicator that he is starting to trust me
Now I am teaching him to walk on a lead rope
Also to pick up his feet
As he is seeing the farrier next week
It's a work in progress
But I am loving every second of it
Coco has gone from being a scared and lonely pony 
To a happy cheeky little man 
He is full of fun
And never fails to make me smile 
We think he has a little crush on Lea
As he loves her 
And follows her everywhere 
It's so lovely to watch them together
Best buddies

In other news
I still go riding on a Tuesday and Wednesday 
And third week I did my first jump in canter!
Which I just loved and can't wait to do some more 
I am loving riding at the moment 
And really feel like I am making progress which is a great feeling
I also start work at the end of the month
I must admit 
I feel very anxious thinking about it 
And feel like running in the opposite direction 
I will take it one day at a time 
And see how I go
There is a possibility I could get work in a  stables for the summer months 
To be honest I would rather take that work 
I'll know next week
So I'll make a decision then

What else?
Body image continues to be a battle 
I am now a very healthy weight
But am still getting used to th curves and shapes 
Trying to dress my body to make the most of it 
It's not easy 
And sometimes I think about restricting 
But I figure it is just not worth it 
I would rather be healthy and happy 
Rather than skinny and miserable 
And now I realise that it's not just about me
My staying well has a ripple meffect to everyone around me 
Also I have two dogs and a pony that depend on me
I need to be fit and well to look after them the best that I can 
So I just wanted to check back in
And show you and let you know that there is life after EDs and addiction
If you are struggling 
If you are drowning 
If you feel like there is no hope for you
I am here to tell you this there is hope 
There is absolutely hope 
I am walking talking proof of that 
If you have read my blog
You will know the shit story was my life 
I really thought I was a worthless piece of crap
But now I know that I am a good person 
And in my own little way I am making a difference 
Spreading a message of hope and recovery 
Living my life as an open book in the hope that my story will help someone 
And spare them some of the pain that I went through
For me
The trick was finding something that captured my attention 
And gave me a reason to stay well
A reason to get up in the morning
A raison d'etre
Because when you find something you are passionate about 
Something that warms your heart 
Stimulates your mind 
And feeds your soul
Then that is worth living for 
That is worth staying well for 

I truly hope you are al doing ok
I think of you often 
I willl always think fondly of my little blogger family 
And I will neve forget you 
Please let me know if you are out there 
If you at reading 
Let me know you exist 

Much love,


Monday, 17 April 2017


I read somewhere recently
That if something in your life is bother you 
You have three options 
Change it
Ignore it
Or accept it
This really spoke to me as if you read my last post you will know I've been struggling with body image
To cut a long story short 
With regard to my weight
I've decided to accept it
Changing it is too risky 
And I have too much to lose
I can't ignore it as it's my body
So accept it it is
The end

Friday, 14 April 2017


Hello fellow bloggers and readers
I've been meaning to update here for the last couple of weeks
But am just getting around to it now
Life is busy 
I am busy 
I'm in a very different place in my ED and recovery 
My ED now takes up so little space that it's quite insignificant
I don't restrict
I don't binge 
Purging is the exception rather than the norm
The only think I am kind upset about 
Is yes you've guessed it
My weight 
I don't know what I weigh as I don't weigh myself 
But I'm pretty sure that I am the biggest I've even been 
My clothes feel tighter 
I feel like I take up a lot of space 
And I am generally quite uncomfortable 
My diet is not great 
And I've been eating a lot of junk food 
And just today a member of my family told me that I am gaining weight 
My first thought was to starve myself in to submission
That didn't last long 
As I don't want to go down that route again
But I do need to do something 
Not only to lose a bit of weight 
But to be healthy 
And to have sufficient energy for all the things I want to do
Despite my weight 
I feel quite happy and content 
I see Coco every day 
And he continued to be the highlight of my day
He is such a funny wee man
Full of personality and character
I can't believe how attached I have become to him
It's threee months now since I started to. Is it him
He has gone from being a scared and lonely pony 
To being relaxed, confident and happy
More often than not my dogs come with me when I visit Coco 
And they are all good pals
It's so lovely to watch them 
I am in pure heaven when I'm in the field with them all
I can't wait for the weather to improve 
So I can spend long lazy days over with Coco
I can't tell you how much he has helped me in the last three months 
I now bounce out of bed in the morning 
Knowing I am going to see him
It gets me out of the house
Out in to the fresh air
I've never slept as well as I am at the moment 
There is no doubt in my mind 
That pony saved me
And I saved him too

The plan with my food 
Is to cut out the junk for the moment 
Eat a healthy breakfast, lunch and dinner 
More exercise 
I must stress 
This is it a diet 
As it's not a temporary thing 
This needs to be my lifestyle 
My life 
At the moment I feel bloated and swollen 
My clothes are straining 
And I feel very uncomfortable 
I would like to lose about 15 pounds 
And I will still be comfortably in the healthy weight for my height category 
And before you say this sounds dodgy
And I'm meeting trouble half way 
I have no desire to be stick thin or underweight 
I just want to feel good in my skin
I just want to be healthy and happy 
And I'm not being a sucker thinking weight loss will make me happy 
But I do want to feel comfortably in myself 
And I don't at the moment
Because I was eating a lot of junk food 
And no proper food at all
It's no wonder I am gaining 
And probably lucky I have not gained more 
I have to say though 
I am finding junk food much harder to give up than I did cigarettes 
I guess it's so accessible 
And the least harmful 
So it's easier to grab than say a cigarette or a drink or a drug
I will persevere 
As I always do

In other news 
I have my job back again this summer 
So I will be starting late May time 
I have mixed feelings about the job
I'm grateful to have it back again 
And to be offered it again is fantastic 
I'm just a bit worried that I will get anxious again 
And struggle to go in in the morning 
The way I was with my course
Also I'm worried I won't see as much of Coco 
But part of the reason I am working is for him
And to get him a companion 
But there will be a cap on how many hours I can do 
Between 20-24
So I'm just hoping and praying that it all goes smoothly 
As I really enjoyed it last year 
It was such a lovely place to work 
And the people were just great 
Both guests and staff
I made friends 
I made money 
And it gave me a sense of responsibility 
When I do something 
I like to do it right 
I'm probably a perfectionist at heart 
But as my sister says 
Done is better than perfect 
How true is that?

In other other news 
My brother published his first novel last month 
It is called Ithaca
We had a great time launching it in style and celebrating his success
We are all very proud of him

I don't know how many of you are still reading and writing 
I am hoping there are a few of us left 
I tend to use Facebook more these days 
As it's quick and easy 
I don't always have the energy or the inclination to write a whole blog post 
Not knowing if anyone is reading 

Thoughts on losing weight in recovery?
I'd love to know what you think
Answers on a postcard please...