Friday, 10 November 2017

November

Another month
Another update
It's strange to think that I used to blog every single day 
Without fail
And given that I had no life to speak of
I don't know what I had to write about 
But as you know 
EDs are all consuming 
You eat or not eat, sleep and breathe it 
It's everything and yet it's nothing 
It seems to be the only important thing 
But when you take a step back 
You can see it for the life sucking, draining vacuum that it is
I don't preach 
And I don't tell people what to do recovery wise
I know everyone has to live their own life 
And let their own story happen 
Heck I was well in to my thirties when I finally began to recover 
I was lucky 
I had the combination of great support and an unwillingness to wither away the way I was 
I have to confess though 
I don't read any ED blogs any more 
I can't
It's too upsetting 
It's too triggering 
I've had to take that step away 
To protect myself 
I hope you understand 
But I am in touch with some of you on FB
And that is so great
There comes a point when your life is at across roads 
You get an opportunity to get well
 I had many 
And threw away many 
As you know I spent a long time in and out of hospital and treatment 
It took me a good few admisssiond to figure out that I do not do well inpatient 
That's ok
We are all individuals 
And we recover in different ways 
What works for me may not work for you
Look at addiction 
For the longest time 
All
I heard was that I had to go to meetings 
I went to a lot 
But still wasn't getting it
I don't doubt that they work for some 
But not for me 
I still practise the same ethos 
Helping others 
It in my case animals
And that works for me
You just need to find what works for you 
It's not always obvious
It's trial and error
But it's worth it
Every 
Single 
Time 

In other news
I am doing training to start work in the new year 
But I am undecided as to whether I will actually take the job
I have an urge to go back to finish off my horsemanship course
I feel stronger 
I think I might be able to do it now 
But there is something holding me back
Recently 
During horse riding 
I've been experiencing very low energy and fatigue
And have been pulled off the horse a few times 
My instructor tells me I need to figure out what's going on
And it's killing me that my body is getting in my way of doing what I love
I spoke to my doctor 
Who did blood work
And then started me on B12 vitamins and folic acid 
He also looked at my meds 
And reviewed the fact that I am on three very sedating meds
So he reduced the mirtazapine from 45mg to 30mg
And the methadone from 26mls to 24mls
So hopefully that will make a difference 
My doctor made the point that I used to need all those meds 
Way back when I was very unwell
But I'm doing better now
And so I guess we need to adjust and review
It's good though
It's progress
Moving in the right direction
Part of me would love to stay in my cosy bubble
But look that's not real life
Unfortunately 

Coco is well
He is quite the social media star now
And has his very own following on various FB groups 
Winter is coming 
And I'm hoping he'll make it through without any issues 
It's almost a year now since we first met 
And he has come on so much 
He has gone from being a scared and lonely pony 
To a happy, cheeky and very social wee fella
He loves my dogs 
Especially Lea 
And follows her every where 
We did have an incident last week
I had Coco out on the lane 
And at one point I unclipped his lead rope 
Usually he follows me 
But instead he turned on his heel 
And started trotting up the lane towards the road the monkey 
I remained calm and called him
Walked after him quickly 
He reached the road and stopped 
I continued to talk to him
And thankfully he didn't go any further 
But Jesus H Christ he gave me a hop
There you go though 
All in a Pony's days work
Really though I have a lovely bond with him now
He's quite the cheeky monkey now 
When he doesn't get treats he walks behind me and nudges me with his head 
Pushing me to give him something 
He's spoiled rotten bless him
My farrier has offered to take him
To put him on a diet 
And to start breaking him in
This is exciting news 
I just hope it happens as I think Coco had so much potential 
I think he'd make a lovely riding pony 
How great would they be?
To actually ride him
That's the dream right there
I'll leave you with a few photos from the last few weeks
Til next time.....











Thursday, 19 October 2017

October Update: Part 2

Hello friends
I don't know how many people still read and follow this blog
It still gets a couple of hundred hits a day 
So I'm thinking there are still a few of you
This blog has changed since its birth some five and a half years ago
It was an ED blog
Thenna recovery blog
But now it's more like a life blog 
A living blog
A keep going despite everything blog
A don't give up blog
Life is good for me
And might I add I am the heaviest I've ever been and I couldn't give a hoot
When they need to remove a wall from my home to get me out of the house with a forklift 
Then I will worry
I can't remember if I wrote about what happened a couple of weeks ago at horse riding 
Anyway I'll you 
I was in a lesson with Fintan 
And from the start I didn't feel good 
We were trotting around the arena
And I started to feel very dizzy and weak 
My instructor realised and pulled me off the horse 
I was so disappointed 
I chatted to my instructor afterwards 
And she told me that the way I was going she wouldn't let me ride 
She asked if I was eating properly 
And the answer to that was a big no
She emphisised how important it is to eat correctly while doing such a physical sport
That right there was motivation enough to get me to sort out my food 
It wasn't that I was restricting or binging 
But I wasn't eating breakfast 
Or a solid lunch or dinner
I kind of just grazed through out the day
Picking and not actually eating proper meals
So
I had to make a very manageable and realistic meal plan
I now eat breakfast, lunch and dinner
And do my best to eat good healthy food
It has made a massive difference 
I'm a different girl
I have energy 
I feel more switched on
More able and capable 
And horse riding has become fun again 
I was there just yesterday 
And my canters went great 
My instructor told me that she can see the work I've put in and that we will be progressing now
I'm hoping this means I'll be jumping 
I can't tell you how excited I am for that!
Watch this space...

In other news 
Coco is well
He saw the farrier a few weeks ago
And was good as gold 
I've started bringing him for walks down the lane on the lead rope 
And he just loves it
He'll walk down no bother
But when I want to go back to the field 
He doesn't want to
And stands like a stubborn toddler
So I try reverse psychology 
And unclipped his lead rope and walk off
He immediately trots behind me
Apart from the day when he trotted past me and went heading up the lane towards the road 
I was freaking out 
But had to remain calm
I called him
He stopped and looked at me 
Then I remembered I had polo mints in my pocket 
I took them out and lured him back to the field with them
It worked thank God!
Relations with Cocos owner are not good
He is moody and unpredictable 
One day he's as nice as can be
Another day he is verbally attacking me
He's sarcastic in a mean way
And I'm starting to wonder if maybe he's not entirely well in the head 
He insists that I buy any tack or equipment that Coco may need 
Because he supplies the grazing 
Em excuse me
But last time I checked 
He is your pony
Yes I help care for him
Yes I am invested in him
But I've already shelled out money for food, for tack, for the farrier 
I won't be taken for a fool
Anyway 
Moving on
Here is the monkey man Coco...

 
   

Sunday, 1 October 2017

October

Don't you just love Autumn?
I think it's my favourite of all the seasons
Today is the first of October
The leaves are falling 
The colours are beautiful
It's cold enough to wrap up in warm jumpers and scarves
Love it all!
September was a month of highs and lows
I finished work
I celebrated my birthday
Then
On the 17th
I travelled three hours away to Westport for a little holiday 
I've been talking about this holiday for quite some time
It's a package where you stay three nights in the hotel
And the manager of the hotel also owns stables so you can do a mountain trek one day
And a beach trek the next day
I brought my parents with me
And treated them
It felt so good to be able to pay for them
And it felt even better to organise my very own holiday 
And do exactly what I want to do
I've gone on holidays in the past 
But they were other people's holidays that I tagged along 
This holiday was all me!

We arrived Sunday afternoon
Checked in 
I handed over the guts of a grand in cash
That I worked hard all summer to save
I actually felt like a proper adult paying that bill
And to treat my parents was just great
We had two rooms 
Myself and Mam in one
And Dad in another
We settled in 
Then headed up for dinner
We actually stayed in this same hotel about ten years ago
At Christmas time
I was strung out at the time 
And didn't brings enough drugs or methadone with me 
And promptly went in to a severe withdrawal 
I'll never forget that night 
I thought I was going to die
Anyway 
Here I am ten years later 
Ten years older and wiser 
A long way away from that girl 
Michael 
The man who owns the stables 
Texted me to tell me he would pick me up the next morning 
And we would do the mountain trek first 
I woke up the next morning 
Full of excitement and nerves
I forced down a breakfast
Grabbed my hat 
And went to wait for Michael
He soon arrived 
And we headed out to the stables 
First impressions were not good
As Micheal was shouting at all the staff
And there was a very tense atmosphere 
I actually went outside and rang Mam 
I wasn't sure if I even wanted to continue 
As the whole place felt very hostile 
Anyway
I decided to give it a second shot 
I was shown what horse I was riding 
A massive boy called Pepper 
I mean he was enormous!
I was introduced to my guide Atulla 
Who was from Hungary 
And two others called Zena and Cynthia
Atulla brought me out to the outdoor arena 
And went over the trek etc
I decided I didn't want to canter that day
I said I would wait until the beach trek
A rare moment of restraint for me

So
We all saddles up and headed out
We were going to the foothills of a mountain called Croagh Patrick 
Which people climb in pilgrimage 
It was quite a long trek at three hours in all
It was just beautiful
The day was lovely 
Weather was great
We did a lot of trotting and walking 
A lot of chatting 
And of course lots of photos
Atulla was quite the character 
And kept us all entertained 
The trek up the mountain was quite precarious at times 
Drops either side
Rocky ground
But I thoroughly enjoyed it
We got back to the stables 
And Atulla gave me a lift back to the hotel
I was so glad that I didn't pull out 
I was so glad persevered
It was well worth it

I got back to the hotel 
Tired but happy 
I had a shower 
Changed my clothes 
And headed down to the harbour with Mam
I was really on a high 
And couldn't contain myself
That evening we had dinner 
And then went for a couple of drinks 
And to listen to the music 
I swear I was the youngest person there by about three decades
I was wrecked 
So went to bed early enough 

The next morning 
I was sore but not too bad 
Today were going to do the beach trek
And there was another lady coming with us
While I waited for Michael to pick me up 
I tried to figure out who she was 
Michael arrived 
And I met the lady called Jo
She was bright and bubbly 
And I liked her immediately 
We headed out to the beach 
Where Atulla was waiting with the horses
Who had been transported from the stables in a big horse box
Jo was riding Pepper today
Today I was riding a little cob called Charlie 
But what he lacked in size 
He made up for in personality 
He was full of character
I hopped up on a rock 
And on to his back
Straight away I could feel how keen he was to get going 
We arranged ourselves in to a line and headed out
Atulla was riding Sylvester
And also riding with us was Inaja
Who was riding Imp
The beach was vast and completely deserted
Again we were lucky with the weather 
From the start 
The craic was mighty
Jo was full of the joys 
And Atulla also kept us all entertained with jokes and taking the piss out of us 
But I must also say
When he needed to be serious
He most definitely was
He had the balance of fun and safety just right
We trotted the length of the beach 
Went through the water 
Up on the dunes 
On the rocks 
Then we came to a sort of circular area of beach 
And Atulla asked us if we wanted to canter
I did 
But Atulla said he would do it with me
So we cantered together around the circle 
Charlie was a total pocket rocket
God bless him he could move
Jo tried too
But it didn't quite work out for her
The weather was starting to turn 
So we began to head back 
We had to wade through the water again 
And the tide has come in
So because Charlie was so small
I was up to my knees in sea water 
Which the rest of them thought was hilarious 
I was soaked and the water was feckin' freezing 
But it was all part of the fun
We made it back to the trailer
Dismounted 
Led the horses back in 
Then we all piled in to the cab 
And headed back to the hotel
The trailer was ancient 
But we had the best of fun on the way back 
Chatting about the trek
If it was even possible 
It was better than the mountain trek
Our little holiday was over all too soon
But I thoroughly enjoyed it
And it gave me a fire in my belly to do more and more riding 
I left with precious memories 
And some beautiful photos
Also the knowledge that I made this happen 
It couldn't have gone better 

I have a lot more to write
But I think I will leave it there for today 
And try and post some photos to go with this post...
    

Saturday, 16 September 2017

Autumn update

And so it is September
Where did the summer go?
I finished up work last Thursday 
So am a free little bird again 
I thoroughly enjoyed work this year
Once I got in to it
And got over my anxiety
I relaxed 
And just went with the flow
No panic
No stress
No worrying and questioning myself 
Not taking myself too seriously 
And just enjoying it
It's a lovely place to work
I made new friends 
My manager is a very fair and sound person 
And there is a very friendly and informal atmosphere 
My manger asked me if I was willing to do some work in the residential home for the elderly 
So of course I said yes 
It will most likely be covering people's holidays etc
But it's a start 
And a chance to get to know the residents and staff
So that's some good news
I finished work on Thursday 
Which was also my birthday
A double celebration 
For my birthday 
Myself Mam and Fintan went for lunch 
And on Saturday my sister brought me for lunch 
I got some lovely gifts
A parka jacket
Riding boots 
A t-shirt
I was well and truly spoiled 
I know a lot of people don't like birthdays 
But I love them
Maybe because you are made a fuss of in my house
Finishing up work was bitter sweet
It's nice to have more time 
To spend with my dogs and Coco
But I do miss it
I miss the people
The buzz of service 
Meeting new people
Our holiday centre is a very special place
It's run by a charity called St. Vincent de Paul
And it arranges holidays for those who ordinarily wouldn't be able to afford a holiday
It's nice to think we are helping people 
And we do our best to make their holiday a memorable one 
Next year I plan to work full time 
Which will be a challenge 
But one I really want to go for 
I find working part time 
I wasn't as clued in as I was when working full time
Like everything 
There are advantages and disadvantages 

I didn't get to visit Coco as much this summer
But now the season is over 
I am back to seeing him as often as his can
He is doing well
There are sheep in his field now 
And himself and Lea have great fun chasing them around the field
He saw the farrier this week
And was as good as gold
Our farrier offered to take Coco for a week
To begin breaking him in
This is fantastic news! 
And I am so grateful to the farrier
To think that I could ride Coco at some point in the future?
That right there is amazing
I can't wait!
I am still riding a couple of times a week
And slowly but surely improving
I'm learning all the time
The horses are great teachers 
Star my buddy is such a handsome boy

In other news 
I am heading away on a little trip tomorrow 
I am treating the parental unit to a three night break away in a hotel
I am going on a riding trek
And the 'rents are going to chill out
I'm very excited for the holiday
And I'm delighted to be able to treat my parents 
And after a summer of working hard 
It's a nice way to finish it off
I can't lie
I'm a bit nervous to ride a new horse 
But I will do my best 
And that's all I can do

Healthy wise 
Mentally I am doing just fine 
I'm finally in a place where I am content just to be me 
I don't want her bum
Her boobs
Her legs 
I am happy enough with my own thank you very much 
My body has changed a lot 
But I'm getting used to it
I feel a long way away from my ED
It's not something I think about 
It's not something that takes up space in my life or my head
I am no longer Ruby the anorectic
Or even Ruby in recovery 
I am just Ruby
And that is enough 
Up until quite recently 
When I met new people 
I felt compelled to tell them my history
Almost to explain why I am the way I am
To let people know what nice been through 
Now 
I don't feel like that at all 
I don't make a point of telling people 
If it comes up fair enough 
But I don't deliberately bring it up
Progress friends..

So
That's it for another month
I hope y'all doing ok
Take care and stay well
See you on the next post...

Friday, 1 September 2017

September Update

I can quite believe that the summer is over
I finish up work next week
But my manager asked me if I was interested in doing cover for employees going on holiday 
I said I would as I think it's a good thing to get my foot in the door there
I think back to May
When I was just starting 
I honestly thought I wouldn't get through it
I thought my anxiety and fear would get the better of me
But four months later 
Here I am finishing up
And feeling so good that I stuck it out 
And got through it 
And do you know what?
I thoroughly enjoyed it
I made some new friends 
Got to meet the most amazing people 
And help them enjoy a much needed break away
There have been some challenges over the last few months 
Difficult guests 
Demanding people  
The morning the fuse blew in the kitchen 
But overall 
I am so glad that I did it 
It has given my  confidence and self esteem a much needed boost
I met all kinds of people this year 
Old people 
Tiny kiddies 
Teenagers with autism 
Adults with brain injuries 
Lovely people 
I also made over €100 in tips this week
Which is always nice
We had our staff night out a couple of weeks ago 
The girls went for dinner 
Which was just lovely 
And after met  up with the lads in the pub
Because of the horrendous hangover I had last year 
I decided just to have a couple of drinks this year
So I had three and headed home like a sensible girl
Two days later I was in work
And one of the chefs came in with a busted up nose and two blacks eyes
He had jumped in to stop a fight 
And got a right box on the nose
The other chef who started the fight ran off and left him
I am so glad that I went home early and missed all the drama
Theses days all I want is a quiet life

In other news
I am still horse riding 
About twice a week
Which I just love 
Riding is great for the head
Especially for a thinker and analyser like me
I had a lesson yesterday
And was on a new horse called Katie
Katie was much more forward and quicker than my usual Willow
And because of this I was a bit nervous
It was a tough lesson
But really enjoyed it
Look
I know I'll never compete or anything like it 
But I just want to be the best I can be
I want to be able to ride 
To canter
To feel an affinity with the animal
I had become very comfortable with Willow
So it was good to change it up
My instructor did ask me during the lesson if I wanted to swap back to Willow
But the stubbornness in me didn't want to
I love a challenge
And by the end of the hour I was getting better

ED wise 
Things are going well
I eat food 
I keep said food down
I rarely purge
I don't restrict or diet
I don't weigh or measure my self worth in pounds and ounces 
I don't  want to be underweight 
I don't want to starve myself 
I don't binge 
I'm not afraid of food anymore 
I even enjoy it 
Don't get me wrong 
Everything is not perfect 
But they are hundred time better than they were 
Amen to that!!
My body image has improved a lot
I am shapely 
I have curves 
Boobs galore
And a butt you could eat your dinner off
I wouldn't go so far as to say I love it
But it's growing on me 
Literally!!
Life has improved so much over the last 18 months
I am content 
I have moments of immense happiness 
I also have moments of utter despair 
But they balance each other out
Don't get me wrong 
Life is not perfect 
But it's the best it's ever been
When I think about where I have come from
I'm not doing too bad at all

That was just a quick update 
Will write again soon
Take care out there... x