Friday, 4 August 2017

August Update

And so we have reached August
It's hard to believe that work will be finishing up in a few short weeks
The summer flew by
I'm looking forward to the send of the summer
Work quietens down
The town gets back to normal
The town I work in is a holiday sea-side town
So that population explodes during the summer 
And all the hotels and other businesses make hay while the sun shines
The places I work in is a charity run holiday centre 
It provides much needed holidays for those who ordinarily wouldn't be able to afford one
We get a mixture of people
Families
Groups
Children
Seniors 
Disabled people 
Sick people 
People usually arrived on a Friday afternoon
And depart the following Thursday
We are right on the main road so we are in the think of things
Which can be both a good thing and a bad thing
Our rooms are bright and spacious 
And we have live music at the weekend 
Overall the people who stay with us are lovely 
My managers motto for the house is 'Friendliness, cleaniless and good food'
This week my week starts on a Saturday 
And I work through to Wednesday
I'm doing some evening shifts this week
Which means I'll be working in the bar
I'm a bit anxious 
But I'm sure I'll be fine 
My confidence has definitely improved since I started working 
Most of the time I fake it
But that works too
As long as I look like I know what I'm doing that's half the battle
Also my working means I get to go on a holiday this September 
I've booked a hotel in Westport for three nights with my Mam
She is going to chill out
And I'm going horse riding which I'm so looking forward to
I'm treating my Mam so I'm delighted about that
We actually stayed in this hotel about ten years ago over Christmas
I was strung out at the time
And on the last night I ran out of drugs 
So I was in withdrawal 
It was horrific
I'll never forget it
The longest night of my life

Also 
Because I am earning money 
I get to go horse riding more often
Which is brilliant 
I would do it every single day if I could 
But I can only go as much as my wallet allows 
I still call to Coco too
He is now sharing his field with some sheep
I'm looking forward to finishing up work
So I can call to him more often
I feel bad that I'm only getting over a couple of times a week at the moment 
But I am doing my best to look after him
I had a great riding lesson yesterday 
Last week
My trainer told me that I was slightly tipping forward in my canter 
She took a video of me 
And I could clearly see it
So this week I really tried my hardest to address this 
I looked up and out instead of down 
I pushed my heels down 
Shoulders back 
Boobs out
She said there was a marked improvement this week which I was delighted to hear
Look
I know I'll never really do a whole lot with my riding
I don't want to compete 
I'm not training for an event 
I just want to ride for my own enjoyment 
I want to be able to walk, trot and canter 
To gallop on a beach 
To wade in the ocean
Be able to looo after and care for a horse
Because I love it
It makes me happy 
It fills the hole in my soul better than any pill or potion

We have our staff do on the 17th
We are going for a meal
And then for a few drinks 
I booked a hair appointment for the morning 
And am getting my makeup done in the afternoon
I am half dreading it
Half looking forward to it
It will be nice to get dressed up 
All suited and booted 
I am beyond shite at applying make up 
So I am getting a professional to do it 
I can't wait to see what I look like 
I am thinking a smokey eye with a flick of eye liner 
But as I said 
Make up is alien to me
The next questions is whether to have a drink or not 
I drank last year 
And didn't get home until 6am
This year I don't plan on doing that 
So I might have a couple of drinks 
But that is it

I think that's about it for now
Thank you for reading
Stay well
And keep smiling...

Thursday, 20 July 2017

July Update

Two months of work done now
About seven weeks to go
Over the last couple of weeks 
I've been struggling quite a lot 
Even though I try my best at work
I still feel like other people do it better than me
They seek to cope better
Be more confident 
More efficient 
And generally not capable than me
My bestie tells me if I hear nothing, then nothing is wrong
Which I guess is true 
But I am constantly looking for reassurance that I am doing ok
I'm nearly 36 years old
And I feel like a little girl that needs her Mommy to tell her that everything will be ok
I'm a bit of an odd ball 
And I'm sure people think I'm a bit strange 
Aa I find it hard to mix in groups 
I am fine one on one 
But in a group I have a social handicap 
That's me though 
It takes me a while to become comfortable with people 
Yet again I find myself wondering if people like me 
And wanting them to like me
And probably trying too hard to be liked and accepted 
It shouldn't matter though 
I'm there to do a job
It's not a popularity contest 
It really shouldn't matter what people think of me
At all
I know I am trying my best at work
And that's all that matters
I find myself in this situation a lot
When I was doing my course 
I was convinced the others didn't like me 
But even after I left 
They still keep in contact 
So I was very wrong about that one!

Anyway 
In other news 
My car has been giving me huge problems 
I was driving in to the garage yesterday 
When a warning noise started 
And then smoke started coming out
I stopper immediately and got out 
But my car was on a narrow road 
So I needed to get it off the road 
My Mam was there so at least I had a lift 
Four very kind men stopped and helped us pushed the car off the road
The garage recovered my car in the afternoon
And it wasn't good news 
The clutch in it is bangjaxed
It will cost €800 to fix
I do not have that kind of money to hand 
So I need to make a decision about whether to get the work done 
Or to change my car for a better one 
It's stressful
As I need a car 
For work
To see Coco 
I need it for my freedom and independence 
So I guess I will have to do something

I was listening to something on the radio this week
About the grown up children of alcoholic or addicted parents 
How they are more likely to be anxious and insecure 
How their foundation has been rocky and so they carry that in to their adult life
It was very interesting and I could relate to a lot of it 
Myself and my sisters all suffer with addiction and mental health issues
We struggle with feeling not good enough
And generally find life tough
I look at some of the girls I work with 
Who are younger than me 
But seem so much more together than me
I struggle just to get to the starting block
So it seems everyone is running way ahead of me
Of course my life has not been straight forward 
And I have dealt with an awful lot 
I am happy just to be alive 
Anything else is a bonus
I am grateful to be where I am 
And things could be a whole lot worse 

I'm still horse riding and loving it
I go 2-3 times a week
And it's is just heaven 
Sitting in a horse 
Galloping down a beach
Doing little jumps 
It makes all the tough days worthwhile 
On Saturday 
Myself and a friend did a beach trek
 A two hour trek
I was riding a big fella called Bouncer 
Fionnuala was on Tom
Kate was our leader on Skippy
And there was a girl at the back riding Laura 
We walked down to the beach 
Then we spilt up
Fionnuala and Laura went to walk the sand dunes 
And myself and Kate went down to the main beach for a canter 
I swear to God Bouncer shot off like a rocket 
Abc was running full pelt down the length of the beach
It was both terrifying and thrilling in equal measure but I thoroughly enjoyed it
After that 
We went back up to meet the others 
And walked back to the centre through the fields
Myself and Fionnuala dismounted our horses 
And were walking around like John Wayne 
The next day I was in pain 
But it was a good pain 
An almost enjoyable pain

So I think that is all my news
I am thinking of re enrolling in the horsemanship course 
I feel a bit more ready now
And ultimately this is what I want to be doing 
But first things first 
I'm just concentrating on getting through work 
And hopefully I will be back on the road soon

That's your July update sorted 
Thanks for reading 
And for being there..

Thursday, 6 July 2017

Honey, holidays and huge amounts of gratitude

Today is Thursday
And my working week is finished 
I work Sunday 12pm-8pm
Monday 8pm-4pm
And Tuesday 8-4pm
24 hours a week
Which is nice
I am really enjoying work 
I can feel my confidence boosting 
And my general well being is very good
It's a great feeling to know that I am working 
Earning money
Out and about in the world meeting new people
I especially love that I am helping people enjoy a much needed break away
I love that our centre makes a difference in people's lives
A lot of that is down to my manager 
She is an amazing person
Just 40 years old 
She has been running the holiday centre and the old people's home beside it for the last 12 years
She really sets the tone in the house
She is efficient yet friendly 
Firm but fair
Hard working but always has time to chat
She is a fantastic role model
And I admire her greatly 
She always takes the time to ask me how my Dad is
And also how I'm feeling with my low confidence and self esteem
It really is the perfect place to re introduce myself back in to the working world 
And of course it's brilliant to have a few extra pounds in my pocket
In September 
I am treating my Mam to a little holiday
I will go horse riding
And Mal will potter around and relax in the hotel
So that's something to look forward to
I can't wait!

In other news 
Honey is going back to the vet on Saturday 
About her remaining eye that looks cloudy and blood shot
She has already been to the vet here
But she sent me home with no answers and told to just wait and see
And charged me €40 for the privilege 
So we are going back to the vet who removed her eye three years ago
As he is the best of the best
Honey is ok
If a bit cranky
But we are just worried that she will lose the eye she has
I mean I don't know if a dog can live a comfortable life with no eyes
I guess I would have to keep her inside 
And she would need a lot of support
But I would be willing to do that if it meant she gets to stay around 
Lea is also having a check up too
Even though they are both old ladies now
I feel sure they have a few years left in them
They have literally been by my side for the past 12 years
I can't imaging life without them
They bring so much life to our house
I feel safer and calmer knowing they are there
They are fantastic company too
I just love them so much 
And dread the day that I don't bring them home

What else?
I'm still going to my doctor every week
This morning my usual doctor was away 
So I saw 'Nice Woman Doctor'
She is lovely 
Told me she had listened to my radio interview 
And had also read some of my blog
I felt a bit naked when she said this
As I forget that I was on local radio
Talking about something so personal
She was lovely though
And told me there was a huge change in me
There is I guess
Both physically and mentally and emotionally 
I have moved on from the sick, addicted lonely girl that I was 
And am living my life in a way I never have in my whole life
Even though I have been through so much in my time
I feel extremely blessed to have the life I have
I am well and healthy
I live with my Man who I love dearly
And we get on great
I have amazing brothers and sisters
Two dogs and a pony who I adore
I am in a good place
Have great friends
I am lucky to have a job I love
Hobbies that feed my soul
My life is far from perfect
And I am no poster girl for recovery
But I am now happy and content with what I have
I want for nothing
And I believe my family and friends would move heaven and earth to help me

The past couple of weeks
Cocos owner has been avoiding me
Not answering my calls or texts
So yesterday I decided to phone him from my Mams phone
And lo and behold he answered
I was pretty annoyed and I let him know so
He told me that he's very busy with work and couldnt be dusty
What alias of old shit


Wednesday, 28 June 2017

One down, two to go

I finished my first month of work yesterday
It feels good to have accomplished that 
Yesterday 
I was on my own all day looking after 26 guests
That means making breakfast and serving it
Clearing up after 
Washing all dishes and the dining room
Setting for the next meal
And making sure all jobs are done
When I saw I was on my own yesterday 
I asked my manager if it was a mistake in the rota
She assured me that it wasn't 
And that I was more than capable
I can't lie
I felt pretty darn anxious about it
My manager asked me what part of it I was worried about 
So I told her 
Porridge 
Yes
Porridge
Why porridge I hear you ask
Well as well as making teas and coffees and toast for eight tables 
I also had to make porridge 
This meant turning on the gas 
Making sure it's ok
Turning on the burner
Making the porridge 
And minding it as it cooks 
Then taking orders and trying to keep it warm
You see my problem?
Anyway
My worries were unfounded 
I coped
I made porridge 
Nobody died 
Everyone was fed and watered 
Result!
As everyone filed out of the dining room
I began to clear the tables 
And bring all the dishes down to the kitchen to wash 
Which is a big job 
But I don't mind it at all
It's great to be busy 
I don't like having nothing to do
So all the washing done 
I clean up the kitchen 
Then head upstairs to clean and reset for the next course
All this work is often interrupted with guests asking all sorts of questions and requests
Whether they want to know about this or that 
Or they've locked themselves out of their room
It could be anything 
So then 
When everything is washed and bleached to within an inch of its life 
I can make a cup of tea 
Head down to the break room 
And take a few minutes to recharge and get ready for the next wave
I called them waves as that's exactly what it is like 
Everything is quiet and calm in the kitchen
And we are all standing around looking at each other
Then all the guests arrive and it's action stations 
After my break 
It's time to get ready for lunch 
It feels like I have just cleansed everything 
Then it starts all over again
But that's life I guess 
Lunch is the main event 
Four courses no less 
Soup
Main meal 
Dessert
And tea or coffee
So our kitchen is down stairs 
To get the meals upstairs we have a dumb waiter 
No that is not a stupid person 
It is a mini lift for food
Which let me tell you saves a lot of tooing frooing
Everyone seated 
And soup is up
Bring on my own yesterday 
I worked in a clock wise direction around the room
Just to keep track 
Soup served 
I go around with a bread basket?
Bread for you?
White or brown?
In my best professional voice
I leave them to it while they eat
Handily 
We have a camera in the dining room
So we can watch from the kitchen what's going on 
When I see them start to move 
I give the chef the signal to start playing the mains 
As he goes that 
I go up and start clearing bowls and getting as many as I can back down to the kitchen to put through the dish washer 
Mains are up 
And I serve them
There are 3-4 different chefs in the kitchen 
1-2 on at a time
And I soon realised that they all do things a little differently 
But what can you do 
Just get on with it
And roll with it
Mains served 
I go around with the gravy jug
I have to tell you 
People are very particular about their gravy
But then so am I
While serving mains 
I remember that one guy takes no potatoes 
And two of my golden oldies take one potato each 
I swear you think waitressing is easy 
Let me tell you categorically that it is tough 
You're going from the heat of the kitchen 
To the tranquility of the dining room
You do every thing with a smile and kind word 
Nothing is too much trouble 
And it's all done in jig time
Then 
Again
I give them time to eat 
I get all the soup bowls washed 
Get the tea and coffee ready 
And send up the dessert 
Clear up all the dinner plates 
Serve dessert
And go around with the tea pot 
The highlight of my day yesterday was when a boy called Stephen with Down syndrome told me my shoes were nice!
After that 
I leave them to it 
To chat  and Have their tea
Every time I leave the dining room
I take a handful of plates to get going on the washing
Which let me tell you can be never ending 
The amount of cutlery I polished yesterday was massive 
But it's enjoyable work 
It's not difficult 
But it's hard work
And when you have nice co workers it makes all the difference 
My manager seems to have a great knack of picking the right people for the centre
So
I get all the washing done 
And again set the dining room for the next course 
Yesterday it was exactly 4pm when I finished 
And now I am off until Sunday 
Which is just heaven!
This morning I woke up 
And revelled in the fact that I didn't have to get up at 7am
Utter bliss!

I called over to see Coco this morning 
He was in great form
It looks like he might be going to a new home 
So I am hoping he finds a home in the area so I can still visit him
There are a couple of options 
So we will see if any work out
Coco and Lea are best buddies 
It is just adorable to watch them 
Coco follows Lea around the field 
He tries to groom her 
And even bite her
Very cute 
Today Coco let me pick out his feet 
Which was brilliant!
He's becoming very tame and domesticated 
So proud of the little guy
Both my dogs are 12 now
And their age is beginning to show 
Lea has a spinal condition called spondylosis
Which effects her walk and balance 
She also seems to be going deaf 
As you know 
Honey lost an eye a few years ago
And now it seems her remaining eye is becoming infected 
So it's back to the vet we go 
I am hoping and praying that it's something that can be treated 
I guess we'll know more soon 

Anyway 
I am well 
All is well
Well mostly 
But mostly is good enough 
Thanks for reading 
See you on the next post...

Friday, 23 June 2017

A horse, a horse, my kingdom for a horse...!

Hello fellow bloggers
Friends 
Fellow readers and writers 
Fellow survivors
My dear sisters
Life is pretty busy at the moment 
I work three days a week
And also go horse riding 2-3 times a week
As well as seeing Coco
It's tricky trying to fit everything in
But I do my best 
And I am loving what I'm doing so it's really not like work at all
The place where I work is called St. Vincent de Paul Holiday Centre
Which is a charity run centre that help people who ordinarily wouldn't be able to afford a holiday
It's like a hotel
Kind of
But it's more like a big house 
With a living room
Dining room
Bar
I have to say that I love it
If you have been reading recently 
You will know that I really struggled with anxiety in the lead up to starting 
To the point that I didn't think I would make it
Now of course I am wondering what I was worried about 
It's hard work
But not difficult 
Basically I wear many hats at work
Receptionist 
Waitress
Cleaner
Advice giver 
And generally just being there to assist anyone that needs it 
It's nicely busy 
So I'm kept going 
Which I like as the time flies by
It's a great feeling to be working 
To be busy 
To be earning money
To be out in the world 
Meeting people 
Helping our guests enjoy their holiday
Much better than sitting at home 
Thinking myself in to oblivion
So yes
I am very content and happy
Of course things are not perfect 
My Dads health is a concern
I'm still getting used to this body 
My meds can be tricky 
But I am doing my best to keep it all together 
To stay well
And to keep moving forward  
I see Coco as much as I can 
His owner is a very difficult person to deal with 
I mean this man loves to wind me up
One minute he's talking about finding Coco a new home 
The next he is talking about getting a pony for riding 
I would take Coco in a heart beat if I could 
I did inquire about renting a field near my house 
But no takers as of yet
As well as that 
I just don't feel I have enough experience to take on what in reality is a next to wild animal 
And I definitely don't have the funds to spare if he ever needs a vet or treatment of any kind
It would be irresponsible of me to take him on
I am however hoping that Cocos owner will find him a good home where I can visit him and still continue to work with him
As I am too involved now to walk away
I just couldn't leave him
He needs me 
And I am so fond of him
I just want what is best for him
That's all

Last Thursday 
I turned up to my riding lesson to find that it has been cancelled for some reason
So I was asked if I wanted to tag along on a two hour trek
I figured why not
I was with two young German girls called Emma and Lisa 
I was riding a beautiful girl called Molly
And Anke was out trek leader 
First we walked down to the beach 
Where we trotted, cantered and galloped 
It was my first time to canter on a beach
And it was utterly exhilarating!
I loved every second of it
We continued down the beach 
And across some fields 
Then we arrived in the next village and crossed the road onnto a track
One of the lanes was quite boggy 
And there was a puddle in the middle of the lane
My horse seemed flummoxed as to what to do
So she made a huge jump over it
I was thrown back 
Then forward
And came off Molly on my right side 
I was at the back of the ride
So no one noticed me falling until I called out
I quickly realised I wasn't hurt
And went to hold Molly
Anke dismounted and came down to me
We established that I was ok 
So I jumped back up on Molly
We took it easy the rest of the way back to the centre
Despite my fall 
I loved the trek
The next day my arms and legs were so sore 
But it was a very satisfying kind of sore
I couldn't wait to go on another trek
So I decided to ask my 16 year old nephew to come with me 
I booked an hours beach trek for us 
And we went yesterday 
We were in a group with two American girls who had never ridden before 
My nephew was on a huge horse called Gypsom
And I was on a beautiful girl called Anna
Another brilliant ride 
And my nephew seemed to really enjoy it
So I think I will bring him again soon
It's so lovely to have found something that I love to do
It makes life so much more enjoyable 
So whatever it is that makes you happy 
Be it pottery
Gardening 
Running 
Drawing
Singing 
Dancing 
Cooking 
Travelling 
Do it 
Do it as much as you can 
Free your mind 
Feed your soul
This is what life is all about 
Doing what you love 
And loving what you do
What is your passion?

Tuesday, 13 June 2017

Week 2

Yesterday
I finished my second week at work
I've also been looking after my Dad this week as my Mam was away
It was a long week
And it's so lovely to have a few days off
On Sunday 
I worked the 4-12am shift alone 
I was anxious before it
As I've never done that shift before 
As you can imaging I spent the whole week thinking about it
Almost dreading it
I would rather not be there on my own
But there was only 15 staying in the house 
So only one person is needed on every shift
Yesterday I was on 8-4pm
So rather than going hint and conning back a few hours later 
I decided to stay the night there
It was Avery quiet night 
And I spent a couple of hours just chatting with the guests 
It's funny how something I was dreading so muchg
Can turn around and flip what you expected 
I think about the run up to my starting work
I was a complete basket case 
And really wasn't sure if I would be able to start I felt that bad
But now
Two weeks later 
And I am now wondering what I was so worried for 
Basically working there is like running a big house
It's not complicate at all
But it is hard work
Am on my feet all day
Running between three floors 
Lots of lifting and physical work
And it's busy
But I would rather be busy than bored any day of the week
It's like a big never ending circle 
You set and serve breakfast 
And by the time you havr everything washes and put away 
It's time to start lunch
So it's a bit like ground hog day
But it's very satisfying to have a sparkling and shiny kitchen at the end of the day
I've also made some new friend at work which is lovely 
Our manager is very good at choosing her work staff
Everyone is sound, hard working and easy to get along with 
So I am a happy camper all round

The only thing about work
Is that I'm not getting to see Coco as much 
I used to see him every day without fail
But now it's four times a week
Which is still good I guess
I am doing my best though 
And the time I do have with him is very special
Unfortunately 
Relations with Cocos owner are breaking down 
He is being very difficult 
Not an easy person to deal with
I texted him this morning about enclosing Coco in a smaller area
He texted me back to 'go ahead'
This made my blood boil
As he knows good and well that I can't do it alone 
And even if I could 
The expense should not fall to me
I've already spent a lot of money on Coco 
And to expect me to pay for fencing is just not on
Technically when it comes down to it
It's not my land or my pony 
And really his owner needs to take some responsibility to look after his own animal
I have brought Coco on so much 
To the pony where he trusts me
And his best friend Lea
I could actually see this coming 
His owner has been a smart arse from the start
I've had to bite my tongue thus far
But no more 
Even though I love Coco 
And would do anything for him
I'm not prepared to be tested like a door mat
He is messing with the wrong girl..
Another option I have is that I buy Coco 
And move him to a field nearer to me
I have someone in mind to ask
So that could be a possibility 
Whatever happens 
I am not turning my back on the pony 
I'm way too involved now

In other news 
Summer is here 
Although you wouldn't know it in this country
Having gained weight 
I am not thrilled at the prospect of getting my arms and legs out
I know it's bad but I've been tanning 
As it makes looking at myself a little less painful 
But to be honest 
My ED feels very far away now
I don't even think about it really
And even at this weight 
It doesn't really bother me that much 
Yea I know
I'm confused too
But weight has come to be of little importance to me recently 
I never though I would hear myself say it
But I am not a size 10-12 European 
I have curves 
I have boobs galore
My thighs are substantial 
But I am more curious and interested than anything 
Of course this means I am in the process of buying new clothes 
And dressing a new shape
I've discovered that instead of trying to Hide myself in tent like clothes 
It's much much better to embrace my curves 
And make the most of my shape
I don't need to tell you that this is massive progress
I have foung that in recover, the body recovers first 
And it takes the kind a lot longer to get better 
But ladies let me tell you that it's worth the wait
To feel
Comfortable in your own skin is just amazing 
Better than any weight loss 
Better than seeing the number on the scales go down
I shit you not!
I am just so grateful to be in a good place
And I am blessed and lucky to have a crack team of family and friends around me
Who have carried me when I thought I couldn't go on
Recovery is a team effort 
I think often times the families and friends around the sufferer are almost forgotten about 
Addiction, mental health and other conditions effect the whole family 
The whole family lives through it
It's the same in recovery 
Families need support
They need to be minded too
As they are the ones who got us through 
Who held us 
Let us cry on their shoulder 
Who forgave us 
And never gave up on us
They are brilliant without a doubt 
So thank you 
To all the Mams, Dads, brothers, sisters, cousins, aunties, uncles, children, friend and not forgetting the animals in our lives 
They are to be celebrated
Because without them
God knows where we would be

I'll leave it there for today 
Thank you for reading 
And for being there
From the bottom of my heart
Thank you💜